I would just like
to point out this page is to be taken as a joke. Chocolate is not a
vegetable group, and if you eat 2 bags of Cadburys mini eggs before a BODY
ATTACK class you WILL throw up by the end of track 4 (I shall mention no
names but you know who you are!). I put this on here because I found it
funny and thought you might too.
I hope this clears a few things up for
everyone...
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular
exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many
beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's
like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want
to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets and remember,
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the
other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO!
What a Ride!"
Below are some of the best excuses
I have had in my classes from my clientele for not being able to do
something.
Sir, I have a note from my mum!
I can't do Down Dogs today because I
have wind!
I don't do crocodiles, I do
Alligators! Which means my belly rests on the floor!
I can't sweat, I've just had my hair
done!
I have to poke my tongue out,
otherwise I cant balance!
I can't do abs because I have a bit
of fluff in my belly button!
I can't do press ups because :-
I was bitten by a hamster!
I've broken a nail! It's amazing that
I can do anything now really!
I've got a splinter!
I've got a grazed knee!
It's my birthday! Lets do the bongo
song instead!
It's your birthday at some point this
year so we should hit the bar now to celebrate! In case we forget on the
day!
I've given them up for Lent!
Its against my religion!
Some of the ways I have over heard
my class member describing classes.
BODYATTACK
It's kind of like country dancing on
speed!
BODYJAM
It's like clubbing, but without the
alcohol! (Except for those with a hangover on a Saturday
morning)
You might be a BodyPump'er if...
...you can visualize the choreography of popular
songs when they come on the radio.
...you automatically assume the set position when
you're standing around.
...you can "hear the beat" in popular songs.
...you hear cool songs and try to visualize their
usage in a future BP release.
...you have a pet named Les Mills
...when you sit in the toilet, you pull your hips
back, pull out you chest and check that your knees don't go beyond your
toe line.
...when you pass by a construction site you start
yelling things like: good work, let's take it home, watch your back when
lifting that steel post or squeeze your glutes on your way up!!!
...when you go to the disco, on your first song,
you move every major muscle group to properly warm up.
...whenever a pump song comes on the radio you
start going through all the moves in your head.
...degrees has nothing to do with the temperature
but everything to do with the angles of knees, hips and toes.
...you automatically calculate weight totals when
you set out the dinner plates.
...clean and press no longer applies to doing the
laundry.
...you prefer to eat donuts with your thumb in
the hole!
...when you order a drink at the club, you check
to see if the bar is nipple height.
...all your best clothes are BP and LM gear.
...you know twenty ways to cue 2 x 2.
...you know what the Haka is.
...you know the difference between a deadlift and
a deadrow.
...you catch yourself talking in sync with the
cadence of a song.
...you're from the US and you actually know how
to convert lbs. to Kg.
...you're not from the US and you know that a
push-up is a press-up.
...you do quick spinal rotations at random
intervals throughout your day.
...your favourite pastime is surfing the BP web
forum.
...you use a small child to practice the clean
and press.
...you sit down in a chair just as if you were
starting a 4 x 4 squat movement.
...you've never been back to the weight room
since you started BP!
...the traditional weight-lifting wisdom of 3
sets of 12 repetitions simply isn't satisfying enough.
...you can't lift weights without the music!
...you count down the days to each launch.
...you think a song sounds better in BP class,
than it does on the radio.
...you make sure your wrists are straight as you
are driving your car.
...you have your abs switched on while at the
office, watching TV, etc.
...you feel an urge to do a lunge while walking
down the road.
...you like to stand using a split stance for
greater stability.
...you know all of the tracks from the last 20
releases.
...you hand out free BP class passes to the
unconverted masses.
...you understand of all the items in this list.
...your favourite colours are red and black.
...you wanna be like Mike!
...your motto is "Become Some Body"
...the Les Mills website is your home page.
...your vacation destination is based on a
BODYPUMP location.
...you're hoping for the release of a Mike
McSweeney action figure.
You might be a BodyJam'er if...
...your favourite colour is yellow.
...you are in a strip club and shout at the
dancers "Come on guys, Make me wanna give you Dollars!"
...you know what a batucada is.
...you have been learning to rap.
...you can teach in a variety of accents
especially your Latin (you can even speak a bit of Spanish).
...when you say the words "Step Tap" they
automatically come out with a New Zealand accent.
...all stages are too small.
...when in a night club
...you get upset if the curve balls are in the
wrong place in the music.
...you find yourself executing inside heels in
time with the music whilst talking to people.
...you always start the night off passively
...you find the music irritatingly, just a little
to slow.
...you can identify the bongo song being mixed in,
within less than a second of it playing.
...when asked to step on a cigarette butt you
automatically do a mambo.
...you know the bongo song is also called
"played-a-live".
...only baggy trousers will do to dance in.
...you can't shimmy with out making a noise.
...you can separate your torso form your lower
half of your body and move it independently.
...you catch yourself saying "yaw" at the end of
instructions or questions.
...not only can you hear the beat but you can hear
"and" beats too.
...you know that "up rock" is not a preset beat on
a synthesiser.
...you can only find the down beat. (what is an up
beat anyway?).
...What Rocks?....
...you believe that tennis sweat bands are to be
worn on any part of your body.
...you have a need to chasse and leap at least
once a day.
...you know the people at the back of your class
because you somehow manage to get back there when travelling forward..
...MTV Dance is your favourite channel and you
know its sky/cable channel number and can press the buttons on the remote
with your eyes closed.
...performing is never an issue.
...you know your choreography left and right
footed.
...body pump is not a class its a move!
...you understand of all the items in this list.
You might be a BodyAttack'er if...
...you know its gold even if everyone else says
its orange.
...you are getting your heels down all the time.
...you find a need to whistle when changing moves.
...music is just never fast enough in a night
club.
...when standing you have a need to place your
hands over your head in an "A" shape.
...when reaching for anything above you, your hand
reaches from your armpit.
...at the end of a quarter you panic that your CD
player is broken because the music seems to be slower.
...a bear hug is not a wrestling move!
...you would like to try the bleep test again.
...everything else is just a warm up!
...you always go hard.
...when asked to go round you always want to go
anticlockwise first. (a problem for roundabouts in the U.K.)
...you understand ply metric.
...you always stretch out your "I T band" or your
"I T B".
...
...you understand of all the items in this list.
You might be a BodyBalance'r if...
...your favourite colours are green and white.
...you stand in tree pose when talking to people.
...you breath out when you bend over to pick
things up from the floor.
...your core muscles are constantly contracted.
...your heart light shines to the world.
...you are in bare feet whenever possible.
...you can't cope with out at least 5 mins of
relaxation a day.
...you use breathing techniques to get you to
sleep.
...a warrior is not a man who fights.
...you travel through intense pose when sitting on
a toilet.
...you have wondered what subjects Jackie and
David have their doctorates in.
...
...you understand of all the items in this list.
You might be a BodyStep'er if...
...you know its silver even if everyone else says
its grey.
...you start of taking stairs to at a time. (they
are just not high enough otherwise).
...you check you whole foot is on each step.
...when following people up stairs you resist the
urge to tell them to get there heels on the step.
...you find commuters lazy for not propelling
themselves off of each step.
...you can say Nu'u
...
...you understand of all the items in this list.
If your wondering why there isn't one
for BODYCOMBAT then you have to ask your self. "have you seen those two
throw a punch? who wants to upset them?"
Thanx to everyone who sent me this
stuff keep it coming I think there needs to be more on "you might be a
body..."
