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FITNESS FUNNIES

 

 

 

I would just like to point out this page is to be taken as a joke.  Chocolate is not a vegetable group, and if you eat 2 bags of Cadburys mini eggs before a BODY ATTACK class you WILL throw up by the end of track 4 (I shall mention no names but you know who you are!).  I put this on here because I found it funny and thought you might too.
 
 
I hope this clears a few things up for everyone...  
 
 
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?  
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember,

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

 

 

Below are some of the best excuses I have had in my classes from my clientele for not being able to do something.

Sir, I have a note from my mum!

I can't do Down Dogs today because I have wind!

I don't do crocodiles, I do Alligators! Which means my belly rests on the floor!

I can't sweat, I've just had my hair done!

I have to poke my tongue out, otherwise I cant balance!

I can't do abs because I have a bit of fluff in my belly button!

 

I can't do press ups because :-

I was bitten by a hamster!

I've broken a nail! It's amazing that I can do anything now really!

I've got a splinter!

I've got a grazed knee!

It's my birthday! Lets do the bongo song instead!

It's your birthday at some point this year so we should hit the bar now to celebrate! In case we forget on the day!

I've given them up for Lent!

Its against my religion!

 

Some of the ways I have over heard my class member describing classes.

BODYATTACK

It's kind of like country dancing on speed!

BODYJAM

It's like clubbing, but without the alcohol! (Except for those with a hangover on a Saturday morning)

 

 

 

You might be a BodyPump'er if...

  • ...you can visualize the choreography of popular songs when they come on the radio.
  • ...you automatically assume the set position when you're standing around.
  • ...you can "hear the beat" in popular songs.
  • ...you hear cool songs and try to visualize their usage in a future BP release.
  • ...you have a pet named Les Mills
  • ...when you sit in the toilet, you pull your hips back, pull out you chest and check that your knees don't go beyond your toe line.
  • ...when you pass by a construction site you start yelling things like: good work, let's take it home, watch your back when lifting that steel post or squeeze your glutes on your way up!!!
  • ...when you go to the disco, on your first song, you move every major muscle group to properly warm up.
  • ...whenever a pump song comes on the radio you start going through all the moves in your head.
  • ...degrees has nothing to do with the temperature but everything to do with the angles of knees, hips and toes.
  • ...you automatically calculate weight totals when you set out the dinner plates.
  • ...clean and press no longer applies to doing the laundry.
  • ...you prefer to eat donuts with your thumb in the hole!
  • ...when you order a drink at the club, you check to see if the bar is nipple height.
  • ...all your best clothes are BP and LM gear.
  • ...you know twenty ways to cue 2 x 2.
  • ...you know what the Haka is.
  • ...you know the difference between a deadlift and a deadrow.
  • ...you catch yourself talking in sync with the cadence of a song.
  • ...you're from the US and you actually know how to convert lbs. to Kg.
  • ...you're not from the US and you know that a push-up is a press-up.
  • ...you do quick spinal rotations at random intervals throughout your day.
  • ...your favourite pastime is surfing the BP web forum.
  • ...you use a small child to practice the clean and press.
  • ...you sit down in a chair just as if you were starting a 4 x 4 squat movement.
  • ...you've never been back to the weight room since you started BP!
  • ...the traditional weight-lifting wisdom of 3 sets of 12 repetitions simply isn't satisfying enough.
  • ...you can't lift weights without the music!
  • ...you count down the days to each launch.
  • ...you think a song sounds better in BP class, than it does on the radio.
  • ...you make sure your wrists are straight as you are driving your car.
  • ...you have your abs switched on while at the office, watching TV, etc.
  • ...you feel an urge to do a lunge while walking down the road.
  • ...you like to stand using a split stance for greater stability.
  • ...you know all of the tracks from the last 20 releases.
  • ...you hand out free BP class passes to the unconverted masses.
  • ...you understand of all the items in this list.
  • ...your favourite colours are red and black.
  • ...you wanna be like Mike!
  • ...your motto is "Become Some Body"
  • ...the Les Mills website is your home page.
  • ...your vacation destination is based on a BODYPUMP location.
  • ...you're hoping for the release of a Mike McSweeney action figure.

 

 

You might be a BodyJam'er if...

  • ...your favourite colour is yellow.
  • ...you are in a strip club and shout at the dancers "Come on guys, Make me wanna give you Dollars!"
  • ...you know what a batucada is.
  • ...you have been learning to rap.
  • ...you can teach in a variety of accents especially your Latin (you can even speak a bit of Spanish).
  • ...when you say the words "Step Tap" they automatically come out with a New Zealand accent.
  • ...all stages are too small.
  •  
  • ...when in a night club
  • ...you get upset if the curve balls are in the wrong place in the music.
  • ...you find yourself executing inside heels in time with the music whilst talking to people.
  • ...you always start the night off passively
  • ...you find the music irritatingly, just a little to slow.
  • ...you can identify the bongo song being mixed in, within less than a second of it playing.
  • ...when asked to step on a cigarette butt you automatically do a mambo.
  •  
  • ...you know the bongo song is also called "played-a-live".
  • ...only baggy trousers will do to dance in.
  • ...you can't shimmy with out making a noise.
  • ...you can separate your torso form your lower half of your body and move it independently.
  • ...you catch yourself saying "yaw" at the end of instructions or questions.
  • ...not only can you hear the beat but you can hear "and" beats too.
  • ...you know that "up rock" is not a preset beat on a synthesiser.
  • ...you can only find the down beat. (what is an up beat anyway?).
  • ...What Rocks?....
  • ...you believe that tennis sweat bands are to be worn on any part of your body.
  • ...you have a need to chasse and leap at least once a day.
  • ...you know the people at the back of your class because you somehow manage to get back there when travelling forward..
  • ...MTV Dance is your favourite channel and you know its sky/cable channel number and can press the buttons on the remote with your eyes closed.
  • ...performing is never an issue.
  • ...you know your choreography left and right footed.
  • ...body pump is not a class its a move!
  •  
  • ...you understand of all the items in this list.

 

 

You might be a BodyAttack'er if...

  • ...you know its gold even if everyone else says its orange.
  • ...you are getting your heels down all the time.
  • ...you find a need to whistle when changing moves.
  • ...music is just never fast enough in a night club.
  • ...when standing you have a need to place your hands over your head in an "A" shape.
  • ...when reaching for anything above you, your hand reaches from your armpit.
  • ...at the end of a quarter you panic that your CD player is broken because the music seems to be slower.
  • ...a bear hug is not a wrestling move!
  • ...you would like to try the bleep test again.
  • ...everything else is just a warm up!
  • ...you always go hard.
  • ...when asked to go round you always want to go anticlockwise first. (a problem for roundabouts in the U.K.)
  • ...you understand ply metric.
  • ...you always stretch out your "I T band" or your "I T B".
  • ...
  • ...you understand of all the items in this list.

 

You might be a BodyBalance'r if...

  • ...your favourite colours are green and white.
  • ...you stand in tree pose when talking to people.
  • ...you breath out when you bend over to pick things up from the floor.
  • ...your core muscles are constantly contracted.
  • ...your heart light shines to the world.
  • ...you are in bare feet whenever possible.
  • ...you can't cope with out at least 5 mins of relaxation a day.
  • ...you use breathing techniques to get you to sleep.
  • ...a warrior is not a man who fights.
  • ...you travel through intense pose when sitting on a toilet.
  • ...you have wondered what subjects Jackie and David have their doctorates in.
  • ...
  • ...you understand of all the items in this list.

 

You might be a BodyStep'er if...

  • ...you know its silver even if everyone else says its grey.
  • ...you start of taking stairs to at a time. (they are just not high enough otherwise).
  • ...you check you whole foot is on each step.
  • ...when following people up stairs you resist the urge to tell them to get there heels on the step.
  • ...you find commuters lazy for not propelling themselves off of each step.
  • ...you can say Nu'u
  • ...
  • ...you understand of all the items in this list.

If your wondering why there isn't one for BODYCOMBAT then you have to ask your self. "have you seen those two throw a punch? who wants to upset them?"

Thanx to everyone who sent me this stuff keep it coming I think there needs to be more on "you might be a body..."